5 weeks into uni à I’ll admit it’s been an emotional rollercoaster. As much as I try to keep a positive front and tell everyone I’m having the time of my life. I’m not.
It’s hard. Every single thing is unfamiliar. Nothing feels like home and doesn’t help that I don’t have family nearby. I often feel like I have nothing to turn to when things get tough. Of course, I still have everyone from home, who are only a call or text away, but I am that type of person not to reach out for help. I feel like I’m swimming. But it’s that kind of swimming in the ocean where you think you’ve got control. And a big wave catches over you, so you go under. But as you try to swim up, more and more waves catch over you and then water consumes you, and before you know it, you’re not swimming anymore. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m drowning. Of course, there are certain thing I do enjoy. I enjoy little things like the crunchy leaves at this time of year, something I’ve never experienced in my life before. I enjoy going to the gym. I’m enjoying my course for the most part. But sometimes I feel like I’ve made a mistake coming here. And I’d never admit that to anyone. That comes across so, so ungrateful. Ungrateful of my position, ungrateful of the opportunities at hand, ungrateful to my parents who have gone above and beyond to sacrifice everything for me to be here. But I recognise that. I recognise I am literally one in a million that gets to study her dream degree at her dream university, so why aren’t I loving it? I am supposed to, I am supposed to be having the most amazing time. But I’m just not. I’m working on it, slowly but surely. I’m focusing on my work, I’m consistently going to the gym, I’m trying to spend time with people who induce some sort of positive emotion within me. Over time, I hope to look back on this post and think – wow, what a long way I’ve come because I’m surrounded by people I love and feel comfortable in somewhere I can somewhat call home. I hope that this day comes soon. 5 weeks into university has taught me a lot, and there are 10 things I really wish someone told me before coming here: 1. Homesickness is inevitable 2. Speak to everyone, we are all in the same boat 3. Lectures start off really boring – and probably cover most things you learned in high school 4. Fresher’s week is fucking expensive 5. EARPLUGS. Save yourself from sleep deprivation while living in halls 6. Splurge to make your room your own – this is the closest thing to home you’re gonna have 7. You can never have enough fancy dress clothes 8. Not everyone has to like you, and you don’t have to like everyone 9. Don’t worry about looking nice all the time (literally nobody gives a shit) 10. Don’t forget about or neglect everyone in your life before uni – they were your people Having said this, I’m hoping my 10 week update projects me into a much happier, better version of how I’m doing at uni.
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Saying goodbye to friends and family.
Saying goodbye to comfort and familiarity. In my opinion, I feel like this is the hardest thing anyone has to go through. Saying goodbye impacts us as humans emotionally, especially departing from those who we are so close to. Moving away or even just starting a new chapter of your life, like university, means saying goodbye to everything you’ve known. It’s saying goodbye to all you’ve grown up with - in my case, spending nearly 19 years in the same 300km radius. It’s all I’ve ever known and learnt to live in. Now I have to learn to live in a completely different culture, with different people who have different morals, views and beliefs. I have to leave behind the weather I’ve come to grow and love - the moist humidity and scorching sun, and learn to deal with the bitter cold. It’s saying goodbye to the comfort of primary and secondary school - the last 12 years of education is about to take a turn. No more sitting in classes, no more strict regimented 8am-3pm classes, no more teachers to chase on work. Now it’s all self sufficient work and in some cases, extreme liberty. It’s saying goodbye to the emotional support of living at home - no parents to cook you fabulous meals every night and dry your tears on a bad day, no siblings to bicker over dinner with, no family pets to cuddle at night. It’s now time to be independent not only in terms of housekeeping, but also being able to emotionally conduct yourself when no one else is around. It’s saying goodbye to the people you love the most - the last 9 months I’ve spent with one person who has not only been my #1 fan, but has continuously supported and encouraged me to grow and become the best version of myself. In a psychological and emotional aspect, I’ve realised how dependent on him I’ve become - through all my doubts, insecurities and low moments in life, I almost immediately turn to him, in some hope that he can whisk all these inhibitions away. As shattered as I am to be 8642km away from him, I see this as an opportunity to learn to be self sufficient with these things, and learn to live an independent life. This goodbye was probably the hardest - but I see this time apart as an opportunity to better ourselves and ultimately enhance this relationship. I like to try and combat the sadness and despair of saying goodbye, with positive enforcements. For example, saying goodbye to friends - it gives us so many opportunities to travel the world to see one another, and share our own individual experiences in uni. And saying goodbye to loved ones - it tests and strengthens the relationship more than anything, and proves just how far we’d fight to keep the relationship alive. I strongly believe in not using the word goodbye when departing from people. A “see you later” is much more accurate. We must continuously remind ourselves that we aren’t departing forever - we will revisit each memory, person and place in times to come. Till then, I will focus on the present by means of distracting myself, hoping the months fly by to 16th December when I reach home, to the people I call home, once again. 30 days, 11012km – when, and how far away from home I’m moving. Am I upset?
Of course. My family is everything to me. But I feel guilty every time I do. I recognise that I’m in the luckiest position ever. I don’t ever take it for granted, not even for a second, for the opportunities my parents have worked so hard to provide me with. But in saying that I am nervous to move away, I feel like I’m not allowed to. I’ve been given this opportunity to study abroad, at my dream university with my dream degree. It should be that I have no negative feelings about this at all. How could I, with such an opportunity? But sometimes, I can’t help it. Sometimes, I feel scared and nervous to move continents away from everything I’ve ever known, to the people most important to me in the world, thrown into a mix of people and culture I know nothing about. But that’s battled with the argument that this is what I chose. It’s difficult to discuss this with anyone else. I haven’t and I don’t think I could. It could be interpreted as ungratefulness – and that’s the last thing I would ever want to convey. But it’s a constant dispute in my mind trying to contain the nerves and anxiety and appreciate what my parents are giving me. As the weeks fly by faster, and my departure nearing, I find it harder to grapple the fact that I’ll see my family twice a year, leaving behind everything I’ve known. But I remind myself this is what I signed up for, and this is an opportunity that my parents have worked so hard to provide me with. I will try not to let these negative emotions cloud my mind on this experience like no other. |
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